Friday, March 24, 2006

my momma

I went home this weekend, for the first time in, like, ages. And I went on the train and there were these drunk managers from, erm, Tesco who'd just been, you know, charity fundraising and had just raised like £2m for charity. Anyway they were drunk and they were all like 'how rude!' all the time really loud too. And this lady who looked a lot like my headmistress from primary school offered me some wine from a bottle but i said no. And they were like 'how rude!' and then this camp but (apparently) straight guy told me to put my face in her cunt, but i said no. And they were like 'how rude!'. anyway they were talking to me, explaining how they raised the money and stuff, till i got off the train and they were like 'how rude!' and i'm like this is my stop and they're like 'how rude!'. so i got off the train and my daddy picked me up from the station.

when i got home and gave my mommy a hug i had my dinner that she'd cooked for me. which was nice. a lot nicer than i could cook, obbbbbbviously! but i was still hungry afterwards so i went to the cupboard to get something to eat. what i saw there like literally bowled me over. instead of having, you know skittles and cakes and biscuits or human heads or anything there was a jar of horseradish sauce, a jar of redcurrant jelly, a salt shaker and a pepper mill, and: i kid you not, no fewer than fifty jars of mustard.

so i was all like: "mom, there's never anything to eat in this house!" and she's like "but you've just had your dinner!" and i'm like "but i'm still hungreeeeeee!" and she's like "!" and i was like: "mum, why've you got like fifty jars of mustard?" and she's like "well: there are many different types of mustard and they vary in strength and flavour and it's always useful to have some different types otherwise you risk overwhelming or underwhelming the flavour of your dish..."
"MUM! you don't ever /eat/ mustard!!you say it's too hot and you don't like it and it brings you out in blotches and stuff! now: why've you got /so/ much mustard??"
and she's like: "oh, i don't know, i just seem to accrue it"


Blogger happyviolet said...

Hi, was the Paul Ross game show you mentioned on Steve's blog called 'all over the shop'? Thats the only one i can remember. Try searching the imdb if i'm wrong :)

11:38 AM  
Blogger MattyG said...

No Win No Fee!!
i remember now. he didn't get paid if the contestants won the prize money. He only got paid if they didn't. Which wasn't that often. hahahaha. was pretty funny.

2:20 PM  
Blogger MattyG said...

oh yes, and thank you for being the first to comment!

2:20 PM  
Blogger happyviolet said...

Aw tis ok... just wanted to be helpful! I remember that show- i think it was a twist though! (what a good brummie phrase!) And the title didn't make sense- he didn't win anything... the contestants just lost! Oooh im pernickety today!

3:13 AM  
Blogger MattyG said...

maybe he had all over the shop as well. couldn't say.

8:36 AM  

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