Apocryphallic

2007-02-13T05:57:00.000-08:00

"I philosophically believe that ownership is most akin to governance. Ownership is more a noun than a verb - you don't go around 'owning' all day." - Randy Lerner
well. ok. but sum of us actually do go around pwning all day!!11ONEONE!

2006-06-06T13:54:00.000-07:00

I am drinking shampoo: tomorrow it will be champagne.

2006-06-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

2006-05-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

ok. so it was my birthday again yesterday: and to celebrate we went out for a meal and a night on the town in fancy dress. my house dressed up as the village people. I was the Red Indian one, Jonny was the builder, Ric was the army one and Joe was the gay one.
So we went into this restauraunt, in full village person attire, and i went up to the guy and said "Table for 12, please".
And the guy said "Have you got a reservation?".
I gave him an extra tip for that: it's pure genius.

2006-05-16T04:17:00.000-07:00

ok, i meant to post this yesterday, but i was too tired. still am but hey, i'm awake now
i went to an awards ceremony yesterday: held at the Slazenger factory for some reason (i think they sponsored it) and we had a presentation in the morning, followed by lunch, followed by a tour of the factory, followed by the prizegiving.
Needless to say, I won, but the presentation in the morning was booooor-ing. The lunch was quite cool, it was sandwiches on platters like but i ended up chatting up this well hot judge who i fancied (i think that's why i won). Then the tour of the factory was quite interesting. They pump nitrogen into the balls to make them high pressure inside so they bounce better! Also, we had to wear these protective eardefender things with little speakers in so we could hear the tour guide. even so: it was hard to hear him - they were making quite a racket in the factory.

2006-05-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

These guys are nutjobs.

I tell you what though, they've gotta have balls to have done that.

2006-05-13T15:37:00.000-07:00

A vivacious but vacuous girl said to me today:

"will you sign a petition to stop AIDS?"
i winked at her

2006-05-10T16:46:00.001-07:00

omg
I've been building up to having the most relaxing bath for like a week or so and i've bought candles and bath oils and bubble bath. I even cleaned the bath. It was gonna be tonight too. The sixth night before my birthday. Perfect. Or so I thought. But some absolute rotter has gone and removed the plug - aware of my plan no doubt; so i had to have a shower.
:-(
how bathetic

2006-05-10T16:46:00.000-07:00

2006-05-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

sorry, i was drunk on saturday and i didn't mean what i said: sorry for leading you on. i feel bad and it'd probably be best if we never spoke again - to that end i'm leaving manchester to goto liverpool and stowaway on the first ship to the states

2006-05-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

oh my god! i'm just like solomon!
how weird is that?

2006-04-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

I've juste herd Tom Jones singing...
...his anal beard...
"oooooohhh aaaaaáAÁRRRRGHHHH fuckfuckfuck eeeee e e e e e oooooooooh! "

2006-03-31T08:25:00.000-08:00

P.S. I don't like you.

I've decided to turn over a new leaf: going is the arrogance, going is the mindless racism, and violence, and coming back is the nice boy i once was.
Also: i'm going to cut out my bad habits.
I'm going to stop biting my toenails.
I'm going to stop swearing so much.
I'm going to use a knife and fork proper.
I'm going to stop pissing in my sink.
In short I'm going to become a thoroughly respectable and upstanding citizen.
I could, however, nearly obviate the use of my sink altogether if I didn't use it for water and use it for pissing.

Brainwave!

Why not drink my own piss? That way my sink would become as otiose as a student of drama. Well, nearly.

So I poured myself a perfect pint of piss. Let it cool down. Took a photo.
It's really not very nice. Someone told me it tastes like water. It doesn't. It tastes like piss. I could only manage down to the Manchester bit. Couldn't even make the Beer Fest 05 bit. Pathetic I know.

So bang goes my trying to be decent. I'm gonna resort to being a bum again.

2006-03-30T16:19:00.000-08:00

Oh, I say!
What?
"Oh." It was more of a narrative.

2006-03-28T01:27:00.000-08:00

Kop a load of this:

FUCKING HELL: WAIT: STOP THE PRESS!!1!!1!!08!!
fascinating, that. One for the anoraks in the pub quiz.

Q. To the nearest integer: what is the highest value of articular finesse, defined Words/(Interesting Points + 1), in journalistic history?
A. 227

Someone got paid to write that...

2006-03-28T01:15:00.000-08:00

...it amazes me how custody is porridge...

2006-03-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

my momma

I went home this weekend, for the first time in, like, ages. And I went on the train and there were these drunk managers from, erm, Tesco who'd just been, you know, charity fundraising and had just raised like £2m for charity. Anyway they were drunk and they were all like 'how rude!' all the time really loud too. And this lady who looked a lot like my headmistress from primary school offered me some wine from a bottle but i said no. And they were like 'how rude!' and then this camp but (apparently) straight guy told me to put my face in her cunt, but i said no. And they were like 'how rude!'. anyway they were talking to me, explaining how they raised the money and stuff, till i got off the train and they were like 'how rude!' and i'm like this is my stop and they're like 'how rude!'. so i got off the train and my daddy picked me up from the station.

when i got home and gave my mommy a hug i had my dinner that she'd cooked for me. which was nice. a lot nicer than i could cook, obbbbbbviously! but i was still hungry afterwards so i went to the cupboard to get something to eat. what i saw there like literally bowled me over. instead of having, you know skittles and cakes and biscuits or human heads or anything there was a jar of horseradish sauce, a jar of redcurrant jelly, a salt shaker and a pepper mill, and: i kid you not, no fewer than fifty jars of mustard.

so i was all like: "mom, there's never anything to eat in this house!" and she's like "but you've just had your dinner!" and i'm like "but i'm still hungreeeeeee!" and she's like "!" and i was like: "mum, why've you got like fifty jars of mustard?" and she's like "well: there are many different types of mustard and they vary in strength and flavour and it's always useful to have some different types otherwise you risk overwhelming or underwhelming the flavour of your dish..."
"MUM! you don't ever /eat/ mustard!!you say it's too hot and you don't like it and it brings you out in blotches and stuff! now: why've you got /so/ much mustard??"
and she's like: "oh, i don't know, i just seem to accrue it"

2006-01-06T01:46:00.000-08:00

insomnia...
i think i've just realised why i can't get to sleep easy: today i had three coffees and ten cups of tea. same yesterday.
man! i'm so stoooopid; i should've realised sooner that thirteen is an unlucky number...

2005-12-16T01:28:00.000-08:00

...You know the dog in the Churchill adverts? Did you know that he gets paid commission in alcohol. He gets one shot pernod...

2005-06-28T09:06:00.000-07:00

If you pitch a tent: does it go black?

Graham and the Coffee

2005-05-18T20:14:00.000-07:00

Today being Graham's birthday, and the day before exams start, he naturally wanted to try something new. After all, at 17 he could drive, at 18 vote and get married; what is there at 19?

After much discussion with Jonny and Tom, he decided that he would try and get to like the taste of coffee. Liking to think of himself as a petit-connoisseur of tea; he naturally makes a good pot. Having never really drunk coffee and having only made it using the machine and powder at work he needed instruction in this august task.

The kettle was boiled in advance, to save time whilst getting the equipment.

The initial search for directions proved fruitless. Not wanting to give up he tried again: a small section of the label yielded the following nugget
"Coffee Line
Call 0808 100 8787
for free coffee advice (UK)"
Resisting the temptation to snort some, the number was dialed - a man answered the phone, instantly, who sounded genuinely surprised to be called into work.

[My thoughts are added in italics throughout this dialogue.]

Coffee Advisor: H-Hello Kenco Coffeeline *name* [It's to be something classy, the two strike a good (kenco) rapport, how about Matt? ] speaking...
Graham: Hello there!
CA: Hello, how can I help you?
G: It's a bit embarrassing really, I've never really made a cup of coffee before - where do I begin? [Starts off on completely the wrong tack; he's honest! I'd have said I was making coffee for the prospective mother-in-law, or my new boss at least.]
CA: Is it freeze dried coffee you have there?
[Long Pause]
CA: Which variety do you have?
G: AAhhhh. [Bisto!] Kenco Really Smooth...
CA: AAhhhh yes, a good choice sir. That is freeze dried coffee.
G: AAhhhh.
CA: Yes, quite. Now what you want to do is get a teaspoon of those coffee granules, it can be heaped or level depending on your taste, and add it to the bottom of your cup. [Quite hard to add it to the top of the cup]
G: Mmhmm
CA: Freshly draw some water [I never could get the hang of this, maybe that's why I always did so badly in art lessons, I always put the glint in the wrong place] and boil it. After boiling, leave it to cool down for a minute or so. Then pour the water over the coffee granules until the cup is nearly full.
G: Yes, that makes sense.
CA: Now stir the coffee and pour as much milk as you like into the cup [provided it doesn't overflow] and stir that in too. Then you can add sugar to taste.
G: Thank you very much. You've been most helpful...
CA: That's quite alright, thank you for calling the Kenco Coffee Line.
G: No, no, thank you!

Returning to the kitchen only to find that the water in the kettle had cooled down again, he braced himself for the trial.
Offering to make a cup of coffee for the Peacock too, he proceeded to make it to the exact specification given, even using a proper measuring spoon that his mum had gave him in a set. [Maybe she thought he'd be baking a lot at university...] Not having a stopwatch, he made do with a clock to time the cooling of the kettle.
He professed this to be the nicest cup of coffee he'd drunk.
"Yes, I could rather get a taste for this."

* * * * *
[This is a literary device to indicate that some time passes between the preceding and the forthcoming.]

"I'm going to phone him back and say thank you!"
Phoning from the phone in the rooms of Dalton Ellis is a wearisome task. As an example:
Lift up reciever and dial 66
[A pause of some seconds]
Robotic Female: Wel-come please en-ter your PIN
Impatient resident: Grrrrr, [praying at the same time not to make any mistakes] Done

* * * * *

RF: You have Four Pounds and nine-ty sev-en pence remaining. Your credit is less than fi-vé pounds. To add credit to your account using a credit press one...
* * * * *
[The most depressing mistake here is to mistype the phone number.]
So here we go:
0808 100 87 87
[phew!]
Beep Beep Beep.
RF: Unable to connect.
IR: GAH!

Five minutes later:

He reaches the number and is played some classical music down the phone which sounds as though it is actually being played on the Heinz tin I used as a phone with my friend when I was 6. The first voice you hear is a computer telling that the phone call will be recorded for training purposes. After several announcements that "One of our operators will get through to you as soon as possible." a man called Nick answered the phone.
He didn't sound lively and full of vim, he sounded tired.

Nick: Thank-you for phoning the Kenco Coffeeline, this is Nick speaking, how can I help you?
Graham: I was phoning to convey my thanks actually: I phoned earlier and asked for instructions on how to make a nice cup of coffee and was given some. I then had the nicest cup of coffee I've had.
[Short pause]
N: Oh! Right. Erm... can you remember which of our team you spoke to?
G: Dash it, I've forgotten. Might it have been you?
[The tone of the man's voice changes here from bemused surprise to certainty]
N: No. No. It wasn't me.
G: Oh. [Figuring that this means there are at least three guys working there.] Right, well... I felt that I should express my gratitude.
N: Well, I'll pass on your thanks to the whole team.
G: Good.

It is fairly clear what happens next. Nick will stand up from his chair and using his headset as a gavel, draw order to the vast Kenco Coffee Line department. He will then proceed to play back the whole phone call to his colleagues. They will all laugh.

I'm sure if you want to phone and have conversations with them you can. You can even rest easy in the knowledge that it is a free call, unlike the evil dairy from That Mitchell and Webb Sound.

[This post first appeared here: http://cautionwetpaint.blogspot.com
]